Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
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BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.