Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
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I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”