Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
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You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*