I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
You Might Also Like
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Goodnight 🐶
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”