I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
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A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!