WWE is French for “yes”
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“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Ummm
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme