“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.