Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
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COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
A great tip. #CakeRex
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.