Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
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Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
#dnd #ttrpg
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone