The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
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Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.