In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
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I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’