Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
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*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”