i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
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Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat