DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”