*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
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I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year