captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
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WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
79.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.