Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
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Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
i was baptized in a car wash
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
You have been warned.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES