I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
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ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.