My inexpensive home security system…
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I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.