If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
You Might Also Like
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble