If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
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Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Every house has this drawer
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.