“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
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After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.