My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
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Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.