Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
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Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Sorry. Not sorry
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here