Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
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I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.