I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
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Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro