me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
79.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.