bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
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If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)