Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
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Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…