Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
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The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
secret recipe
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.