SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
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Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
birds and squirrels envy us
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!