[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
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I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
This is my bus stop.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
My first son he is wonderful
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?