It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
me linking you to my twitter
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey