Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
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Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.