Sometimes? I’m slipping
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No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am