CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
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how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!