Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
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Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this