Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
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What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.