I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
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Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
ok like just. call me at this point
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.