Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
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Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Fiction has to make sense.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.