My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
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Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.