Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
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Some people were born into their job.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
was Jim off killing horses or…
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”