White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
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since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!