Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
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Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now