*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
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[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.