His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
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if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
get you a girl who
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.