It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
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King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope