You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
🙄😏😂🤣
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what