I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
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Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Oceanography is all about current events
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
It was worth a shot 😂
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together