Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
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I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Kermit goes Blue.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8